1:1

I literally cannot go anywhere by myself. This. Sucks.

Close Call

     I'm not saying I wouldn't have done jumped. Actually, I'm pretty sure I would have. But I didn't.

Medication

     I handed over 950mg of Tramadol last night. Yes, I intended to use it. But is that really the point? I think what matters most is that I'm still here, even if that's a bad thing. I ended up making little scratches on my arm last night, but that's really not a big deal.
   
     I'm sorry I've been so coldly distant; I haven't felt much like writing. I have, however, been composing things on the piano and crocheting quite a lot, so, for the most part, I'm doing healthy things with my time.

High School Cafeteria = Anxiety Attack Central

     Too upset to really write anything tonight.

Parents

     I have to be careful what I post here now, because my dad copied the text from the last post and emailed it to all three of my therapists. I know this is a public blog and everything, but that was really uncalled for. Like, this blog is NOT for my parents. I don't even want them having the URL. So I'm really pissed that he gave my personal thoughts to people who have a hell of a lot of control over how my life goes. Anyway.

     I writing this at school, because apparently Blogger isn't blocked in this high school. I'm supposed to be at lunch right now, but I'm posting something instead. Let's see if I finish before the bell rings.

     One of my best friends and I were arguing last night. I know that doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but it was to me. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but that's not what matters.  What matters is that I did. So, now she's probably even more angry with me. I can't blame anyone but myself, so I feel pretty horrible right now, but that's okay. I just really really hope she's doing alright, and I hope we stay friends, and I hope we get to see each other over break. Marie*, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I love you so much; I'm still here for you, and I always will be.

     My lunch period will be over in less then two minutes, so I'm gonna hurry up and post this. See ya.



*name has been changed

Max Ehrmann

I'm Back, But Not For Long.

    Hey. I haven't posted anything recently simply because I've been banned from the internet. I found out through Facebook that one of my best friends from Renfrew had to get her stomach pumped. I still don't know the whole story, but I'm assuming she overdosed. Anyway, my parents and my DBT therapist, Carol, decided that I shouldn't have any access to the internet whatsoever. But I'm on now, aren't I?

Here's my update:
     On Friday, I got suspended for bringing a "weapon" to school. Seriously? They were just razor blades, and they know I wasn't going to hurt anyone besides myself, so I really don't see why they had to make such a big deal out of it. Regardless, I've spent the last three days with my parents while they worked and ran errands. Fun, right? So tomorrow's my first day back at school. I'm not too excited about that, but at least I don't have to be harassed by my parents all day. I love them, but they are so, so annoying sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time.
     I went to the ARL (Animal Rescue League) on Saturday morning with Anna and her youngest daughter, Jess. I really enjoy going there, and it made my day to learn that my favorite cat, Oprah, had finally gotten adopted.
     Sunday was nice, too. Have I posted anything about the Living and Learning class I help out with when I go to my dad's church? I'm not sure. Well, just in case I haven't... it's a Sunday School class for adults who have developmental disabilities. Though I have no idea how they get to church, most of the class members come every week. It's incredible. None of them have cars, most don't have jobs, and some are homeless. And they are all mentally challenged. They are such sweet people, and I love working with them. Back to the story, I was with my dad this weekend, so I went to the Living and Learning class, and we made little ornaments. I'm so excited for next Sunday, because that's when we're having our Christmas party! One woman in the class, Loretta, saves up her money all year just so she can buy every one in the class a present. I can't even begin to tell you how kind she is.
     Monday and Tuesday were pretty uneventful, and very boring. Being suspended is no fun. However, I had a treatment team meeting at school on Wednesday afternoon. Let me tell you about how awful it was. There wasn't even one person in the room who didn't make comments about my food intake. Since when is that any of their business? Anyway, that was really frustrating, and what made it even worse was that I came home to my family therapists outside my house wanting to have a session. Emily and I got kicked out of it pretty quickly, though. That happens a lot; we laugh at the therapists. While my mom was still talking to the therapists, I decided to be disgusting and eat in entire chocolate bar. I purged right after I finished it, so I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but still. I ate it.
     There are only a few people who know why I barely got any sleep Wednesday night, and I definitely am not going to tell anyone else. I'm skipping over that story to get my point across, and that point would be that I didn't go to school Thursday, either. So today (Friday) is the only day I had to go to school this week. It's slightly ironic; I was only in the building for two hours. An IU13 staff member took Amber, two other kids from my class named Kelsey and Jake, and me to a ballet at Franklin and Marshall College. We had to walk for what seemed like miles just to get to the building, but I didn't mind that. Although it was ridiculously cold out. Anyway, the dance was really boring, but Amber and I managed to keep ourselves entertained by finding humor in the ballerinas' mistakes. I know, it's really mean, but we really had nothing better to do. As soon as the ballet was over, Mr. Moser, the staff guy, took us to Cici's, which, for those of you who don't know, is a pizza buffet. Seriously? That's just great, Mr. Moser. So of course, me being me, I pig out on breadsticks and Alfredo pizza, drink a ton of regular Coke (I hardly ever drink nondiet soda) just to get some carbonation in me, then head straight to the bathroom to puke it up. Typical. But I'm not at all upset with myself for purging, even though I know I should be. I'm just pissed that I ate so much in the first place.

    Sorry for ranting so long on things you couldn't care less about. I doubt anyone made it through this whole post, but, if you did, thanks.