Medication

     I handed over 950mg of Tramadol last night. Yes, I intended to use it. But is that really the point? I think what matters most is that I'm still here, even if that's a bad thing. I ended up making little scratches on my arm last night, but that's really not a big deal.
   
     I'm sorry I've been so coldly distant; I haven't felt much like writing. I have, however, been composing things on the piano and crocheting quite a lot, so, for the most part, I'm doing healthy things with my time.

High School Cafeteria = Anxiety Attack Central

     Too upset to really write anything tonight.

Parents

     I have to be careful what I post here now, because my dad copied the text from the last post and emailed it to all three of my therapists. I know this is a public blog and everything, but that was really uncalled for. Like, this blog is NOT for my parents. I don't even want them having the URL. So I'm really pissed that he gave my personal thoughts to people who have a hell of a lot of control over how my life goes. Anyway.

     I writing this at school, because apparently Blogger isn't blocked in this high school. I'm supposed to be at lunch right now, but I'm posting something instead. Let's see if I finish before the bell rings.

     One of my best friends and I were arguing last night. I know that doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but it was to me. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but that's not what matters.  What matters is that I did. So, now she's probably even more angry with me. I can't blame anyone but myself, so I feel pretty horrible right now, but that's okay. I just really really hope she's doing alright, and I hope we stay friends, and I hope we get to see each other over break. Marie*, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I love you so much; I'm still here for you, and I always will be.

     My lunch period will be over in less then two minutes, so I'm gonna hurry up and post this. See ya.



*name has been changed

Max Ehrmann

I'm Back, But Not For Long.

    Hey. I haven't posted anything recently simply because I've been banned from the internet. I found out through Facebook that one of my best friends from Renfrew had to get her stomach pumped. I still don't know the whole story, but I'm assuming she overdosed. Anyway, my parents and my DBT therapist, Carol, decided that I shouldn't have any access to the internet whatsoever. But I'm on now, aren't I?

Here's my update:
     On Friday, I got suspended for bringing a "weapon" to school. Seriously? They were just razor blades, and they know I wasn't going to hurt anyone besides myself, so I really don't see why they had to make such a big deal out of it. Regardless, I've spent the last three days with my parents while they worked and ran errands. Fun, right? So tomorrow's my first day back at school. I'm not too excited about that, but at least I don't have to be harassed by my parents all day. I love them, but they are so, so annoying sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time.
     I went to the ARL (Animal Rescue League) on Saturday morning with Anna and her youngest daughter, Jess. I really enjoy going there, and it made my day to learn that my favorite cat, Oprah, had finally gotten adopted.
     Sunday was nice, too. Have I posted anything about the Living and Learning class I help out with when I go to my dad's church? I'm not sure. Well, just in case I haven't... it's a Sunday School class for adults who have developmental disabilities. Though I have no idea how they get to church, most of the class members come every week. It's incredible. None of them have cars, most don't have jobs, and some are homeless. And they are all mentally challenged. They are such sweet people, and I love working with them. Back to the story, I was with my dad this weekend, so I went to the Living and Learning class, and we made little ornaments. I'm so excited for next Sunday, because that's when we're having our Christmas party! One woman in the class, Loretta, saves up her money all year just so she can buy every one in the class a present. I can't even begin to tell you how kind she is.
     Monday and Tuesday were pretty uneventful, and very boring. Being suspended is no fun. However, I had a treatment team meeting at school on Wednesday afternoon. Let me tell you about how awful it was. There wasn't even one person in the room who didn't make comments about my food intake. Since when is that any of their business? Anyway, that was really frustrating, and what made it even worse was that I came home to my family therapists outside my house wanting to have a session. Emily and I got kicked out of it pretty quickly, though. That happens a lot; we laugh at the therapists. While my mom was still talking to the therapists, I decided to be disgusting and eat in entire chocolate bar. I purged right after I finished it, so I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but still. I ate it.
     There are only a few people who know why I barely got any sleep Wednesday night, and I definitely am not going to tell anyone else. I'm skipping over that story to get my point across, and that point would be that I didn't go to school Thursday, either. So today (Friday) is the only day I had to go to school this week. It's slightly ironic; I was only in the building for two hours. An IU13 staff member took Amber, two other kids from my class named Kelsey and Jake, and me to a ballet at Franklin and Marshall College. We had to walk for what seemed like miles just to get to the building, but I didn't mind that. Although it was ridiculously cold out. Anyway, the dance was really boring, but Amber and I managed to keep ourselves entertained by finding humor in the ballerinas' mistakes. I know, it's really mean, but we really had nothing better to do. As soon as the ballet was over, Mr. Moser, the staff guy, took us to Cici's, which, for those of you who don't know, is a pizza buffet. Seriously? That's just great, Mr. Moser. So of course, me being me, I pig out on breadsticks and Alfredo pizza, drink a ton of regular Coke (I hardly ever drink nondiet soda) just to get some carbonation in me, then head straight to the bathroom to puke it up. Typical. But I'm not at all upset with myself for purging, even though I know I should be. I'm just pissed that I ate so much in the first place.

    Sorry for ranting so long on things you couldn't care less about. I doubt anyone made it through this whole post, but, if you did, thanks.
  

"We Know The Price We Pay" -A Day To Remember

The question should not be: Do you know what you are doing to yourself?
A better question would be: Do you care that you are doing this to yourself?

     Ask me the first question, and I will reply with: Yes.
Of course I know. How could I possibly be unaware of the effects, short-term and long-term, that my eating disorder and self-harm behaviors have on me? If you think I don't know what I'm doing to myself, then you're stupid. You're dumb. I was in residential treatment for eighteen months straight. I got all those useless handouts on eating disorders, self-harm, and even substance abuse; I got all the lectures from therapists, nutritionists, psychiatrists, social workers, Emergency Room docs, etc; I've heard all the horror stories from those who have recovered, those who have yet to do so, and people who have lost loved ones to those things. I know all there is to know about the dangers that come with them.
   
     Ask me the second question, and I will reply with: No.

I Don't Know What To Title This One.

Monday - Saturday

     If you read my blog regularly, you probably gathered from the last few posts (not including yesterday's) that I had a pretty rough week. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

     Monday was just exhausting. I hadn't eaten much for a few days, so I felt really weak, and I spent most of the day crying. Like, it was seriously uncontrollable. I ended up cutting that night, and I couldn't sleep at all, even after taking 150mg of Benadryl. I was really worked up, because I didn't want Tuesday to come. But of course it did.

     Olivia, who I knew from Renfrew, would have turned nineteen on Tuesday. I was in Devereux when she died, so I didn't even know about it until this January. I feel really terrible about it. It's like I wasn't even a good enough friend to go to her funeral or anything. I didn't know she was dead for more than six months. And of course there's the missing her. I don't know why her birthday was more difficult than the anniversary of her death. It sounds silly, but the worst part about Tuesday was that I couldn't even send her a birthday card. I made one, but I couldn't send it. It sucked.

     Wednesday was hard, too. I still wasn't eating enough, and I'd barely slept the night before, but I had to be all positive and energetic because my class had Buddies that day. Buddies is every Wednesday during second period group time. My Therapeutic Emotional Support class walks over to the elementary school to do activities with their Therapeutic Emotional Support class. It's usually really fun, but I was still having a really difficult time, so it didn't go so well. I was trying so hard to keep it together for the kids, and I was doing really well with that, but then I just couldn't hold it in anymore and I started to break down. I didn't want the kids to see me like that, so I left their classroom, but there's no way they didn't hear me crying in the hallway. I still feel awful about it. I'm kind of scared to go back next week.

     Thursday was a ton better. My friend and I didn't have to be in school for pretty much the entire day because we were helping our school's Life Skills class at the IU13 Holiday Bazaar. The Bazaar is basically an event for all of the IU13 classes of every school in the county. They come to the main IU13 building and set up tables with crafts they've made, and then sell them to the parents, teachers, IU13 employees, etc. The event lasts all day, and, as crowded as that place is, I had a lot of fun. I want to be a Special Education teacher when I finish school, so I always enjoy working with the Life Skills class. I feel like I've really connected with several of those students. It was so great being with them. I'm not trying to say that they understand eating disorders, but I honestly think that those kids are the reason I ate lunch that day. They're so sweet and loving that I hardly even thought about the food I was putting into my mouth. And, ever since then, I've been eating normally again.

     Friday was so much fun, and I have Amber to thank for that. She's seriously like my best friend at school and we have every class together, so we're never apart. She rocks. I know she reads my blog, and she'll probably kill me for writing about her, but I don't care. That girl is hilarious - she always manages to make me smile. Like, always. And, Amber, since I know you're reading, thanks for being my pal, even though you're "not at school to make friends." (:

     Anna took me to the animal rescue league again this morning! It was super fun. I spent the whole morning in this one cat kennel just petting kitties and letting them play with my shoelaces. I love going there. Anna and I joke that I could quit therapy if I could go there more often, but I don't think that's far from the truth.

     Well, this is pretty long! I wasn't expecting that I'd write this much. I'm out of things to say now anyway, so I have no other option but to stop boring you. I hope that all is well with everyone!

IM BEING FORCED TO DO THIS

     I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY no caps. words words words words blah blah blah, -thats not my name <(0.0)>

i love raccoons and my best friend cody but that idiot wont marry me! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! -Olivia not the one that died

(my buddy Amber wont type anything) D:


I'm blogging from school!!!