Was It A Slip Up, Or Is It A Relapse?

     I don't understand. I really don't. Yesterday went so well. I didn't restrict, binge, or purge. How did I manage to do all three today? I told my dad I ate breakfast, when, really, I just had black coffee. And lunch was easily avoided because of the Black Friday shopping spree that I went on with Emily and my grandmother. But then came dinner. We were celebrating my dad's fiance's birthday today. Her mom wanted to go to this huge buffet called Shady Maple, so that's what we did. I really thought I could handle it, but I was terribly mistaken. I ate so much. It was horrible. And it's not like I was eating anything healthy, either. Starches, starches, and more starches, with two desserts to top it off. It made me feel sick, emotionally and physically. I asked my dad if I could go for a short walk outside of the restaurant, and he said yes to fifteen minutes. I really didn't intend to purge. I just wanted to calm myself down. But once I got outside, I just gave into the urge. I found a nice bush to hide behind, and puked. When I was done, I felt awful, yet so accomplished. That's the part that scares me.

     I didn't have to do it. No one made me. The urge wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, or as it has been in the past. But I still did it. I did it knowing that I was doing it because I wanted to feel the pride that comes with purging. I didn't feel disgusted - only, well, proud. It had been quite some time since I'd last purged. I guess I just missed that feeling. But it's not like I couldn't control myself or anything. I made a conscious decision to let go of my recovery. And I'm not so sure that that's a bad thing. Scary, huh?

     Professionals say that an eating disorder is a disease. They say that it's a type of addiction - that its sufferers aren't at fault. But I'm pretty sure I'm the exception. I brought this on myself. I asked for it. I wanted it. I thought I could make it go away once I got the results I was looking for, but I found out the hard way that it doesn't work like that. According to my therapists and psychiatrists, I'm stuck like this forever. And it's no one's fault but my own.